Horoscopes

This is a page about the stars, what they are and how their mostly insignificant movements can affect you so much. Below each star sign will be a completely valid assessment of how the stars effect your personality.

Aries
You are an indecisive twat. From an early age, you have desperately tried to express both masculine and feminine traits to their furthest extremes. As a result, you may either come out as a flamboyant and effeminate homosexual male or a boyish and socially repressed female (Lesbianism optional).

Taurus
You are a popular yet stupid dolt with possible daddy issues. During your schooling, you fitted in well amongst an exclusive group of friends. However, at home, you refuse to perform even the simplest chore for your parents. This terrible habit started before you can remember. You think your parents are harsh for making you do so many chores (about 3 or 4 minor tasks per day, a major one every week on average), your parent(s) think that you're a disobedient and clingy bitch. Also, your dad use to be gay and shows it by poorly hiding strap-on dildos (intended for use by your mother), kissing your forehead and calling you sweetheart or darling (but only if you're a boy).

Gemini
You are a financial idiot with a bad tendency to jump the gun. Ever since you were born you could picture yourself miles ahead of everyone with millions of dollars lining your pockets. Unfortunately, because you are so frantic to finish things before other people do that you completely miss half of your objective. Every single school assignment, resume or business report you've ever given to a figure of authority has been a half-assed piece of shit with frozen piss stalactites hanging from it.

Cancer
You are an incredible genius. Since birth you have shown incredible adversity, critical thinking skills (eg. 2+2 is... (static) ...ten) and awesomeness in general. Nothing more can be said about you. Also, Muk-Pope Joseph I, the Muk and GolferGuy are Cancers.

Leo
You want to be famous. You are the most pretentious piece of crap that was ever forced out of the anus of a 12-year-old schoolboy (don't think too much about that) and dropped onto the face of this Earth. Every stinking sentence that pours from your vitriolic mouth drips with self-condradiction. You think that money is the root of all evil but you want to be rich. You want the working class to be free but you hate the left wing. You compare local politicians to Hitler but you have negative one knowledge of the Second World War. Seriously, go die.

Virgo
You are a ravaging perfectionist. You could tear through the entire population of India to scrub a dish is you wanted to. To you, everything must be perfect. You are perfect mother material.

Libra
You are absolutely desperate to find your "true love" and although you are on the inside you are definitely NOT emotionally distant, everyone you know thinks you are because you are stupid enough to keep all your feelings inside. Your desire to find your true love makes you just space out and fall into an imaginary world of role play because you are immensely emotional. All in all, get over yourself.

Scorpio
Seeing as your star sign is judged to be the most powerful of the star signs you always feel ridiculously sorry for yourself when something bad happens to you and it is this "poor me" attitude which leads you to think nothing is ever your fault. You are the perfect example of a backseat driver. You are also a hateful hypocrite.

Saggitarius
You are a "great" decision maker. The second you turned 18 you immediately 'hit the tahn' to purchase vast amounts of beer, cigarettes and cocaine before returning to your house to do it all at the same time. Chugging Four-X, dragging a 'ciggy' and burying your face in a pile of snow is not as hard as it sounds.